Emily and I have been married long enough to know that money conversations don’t get easier just because you’ve had more of them. What changes is that you get better at understanding what you’re actually arguing about. And most of the time, it’s not the Amex bill.
The Basics
The Gottman Institute, a research-backed powerhouse on marriage, estimates that somewhere between 20-40% of all divorces are rooted in money conflict. That’s a big number.
Beneath the surface, though, most money arguments aren’t actually about the money. They’re about fear (which is why tensions can rise quickly). And each person in a marriage brings a completely different set of fears to the table based on their individual experiences.
Emily grew up in a home where she felt financially safe and stable. If something went wrong, she knew they’d be okay. That gives her a baseline comfort with spending — enjoy life, make memories, the money will work itself out. I grew up watching my parents struggle (both filed for bankruptcy when I was an adult). I also worked in mortgages during the 2008 economic collapse (and went from earning hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to unemployed overnight). Those scars didn’t go away for me.
Understanding these differences changes everything.
The Action Steps
Here are three things that have actually made a difference for us — from someone who has gotten this wrong more times than I’d like to admit.
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